living life journeying journal

Been thinking again.
Life's so unfair.
updated my deviantart. I actually wrote a lot more on one poem but... I didn't really want to put that up there... a bit more personal I guess. It needs developing anyway. Hm.... Maybe Once I've tweaked it a bit I'll put it up there.
We'll see.
Meant to go to bed 2 hours ago.
oops.

wooo... so it's my birthday and so far today i have read a few chapters of my book, spoken to both sister's and my mum, showered and then lottie rang. i'm currently waiting to head down to reception cos they have a package for me but are currently closed for lunch.
kim, fred, norm and oskar are visiting today which is cool, really looking forward to seeing them :)
it doesn't really feel like my birthday yet tho... was quite funny when katie came in all hungover trying to sing me happy birthday, madagascar stylie.
should be a good day tho... maybe see if anyone fancies a game of pool. then chinese takeaway followed by a night out. really looking forward to it. it's a shame some ppl can't be here cos they've gone home *cough* sophie, ru and will *cough* sorry... bit of a tickle!! ;)
but the important ppl are gonna be there which is what matters... sp plus the extras, home ppl and all my other wonderful friends who don't realise it but have done a damn good job of cheering me up over the past week.
jo was a bit down the other day, i put my foot in it royally and feel like a right eejit but what's done is done and i'll learn from it and move on. i hope i cheered her up a bit, i think her tiggerpooh excitement probably did a better job than me tho.. ah well, can't be helped.
It's so crazy, all the wedding plans underway. it's another marquee in the garden affair, it's scary just how much a venue can cost for a wedding, i know wedding's are expensive but seriously... some of it's just extortionate!
i'm listening to the soundtrack to o brother where art thou? at the moment, i love it, such good tunes.
it's been a bit of a mad week... i'm about t go do a wee bit of research for a friend and then head off to reception, i want my package damnit! i'm not ashamed! loll
xxx

*does little chant* anna's getting married! anna's getting married! anna's getting married! woot woot woot!
it was so sweet, dara proposed yesterday in barcelona on the roof of some museum or sth like that. yay! i'm gonna have another brother... in-law :D
had a bit of a crazy day yesterday, i stayed in bed reading all morning and then i went to tesco in the afternoon, then went down to flat 2 for tea and ended up going off to play pool with will, rich and tim. just after we got there at about 5.30 i had a text from katy saying meet for pool at 7.45, so i just stayed there the whole time and then we played pool til bout 10 before going off to spoons where we settled down and had a few drinks. saw sean, had a nice chat with him. didn't drink too much cos i hadn't actually eaten yesterday, but it was really nice t just chat, i was with katy, rag and pat. pat let me carry his dice the whole way home... that boy ahs a strange obssession! then i got back and toby decided it was time for a cup of tea, so off i went round and had a nice cup of tea and a chat.
i'm working today, so gonna have to leave soon. it seems like a really nice pub (the queens vaults) and i think i've persuaded rag n katy to get everyone t come watch the rugby there, just gotta text them directions.
best go have some breakfast now....

ok. so recently i've been a bit down.
i was talking to meg earlier this week bout things and she recons i'm depressed. so that's all fun and games... i talked to michael about it and he kept going on about how there must be a reason behind it. but in fact, depression doesnt have to be triggered by anything - it's a chemical imbalance - completely beyond your control, as i was told the other day. so she recons i shuold go to the drs about it. i agree with the going to the drs thing, but more about my tonsils one of the actually started bleeding last night... sooo not healthy.
i've been feeling so out of stuff recently, it's like there's all these little closer groups of friends coming together from our big group and once again it's gonna be me left in the cold. it's happened so many times before and i hate that, but there's nothing i can do. i just thought that in coming to uni that might not happen again, that i'd finally meet ppl that would want me in their special little group, but instead i'm the one who's got millions of friends but no small group of ppl that i can 'belong'. yeah i'm living with jo, ceri, katie, pat, rich, chris next year but... i get that feelingthat if noone saw me for a few days they probably wouldn't notice. obviuosly that'll be different next year when we're all living together. but at the moment i'm not living with anyone i get on really well with, i'm not saying i don't get on with them, i do, just not as well as i get on with everyone else or maybe i'm just imagining that.
i do try with my flat mates, but i feel like if i didn't try then they wouldn't bother with me, i guess that's the same with everyone else really. the only person that wuold actually notice if i disappeared off the face of the earth for a week is michael.
i don't know what's wrong with me. i hate that i don't know, i feel so inadequate.
stupid head always so messed up.
edd stuff's not been helping recently, he's driving me mad talks about stuff and then stops and doesn't go into any more detail. i guess i'm still hurting on that front.
ah well, going to the gym with rachel and julliet later, that'll be good, something i can get into, make it a regular thing.
gonna tidy my room now, have a think about stuff

ok... here's what i've decided about myself over the holidays:
too easily wrapped up in stuff
too easily sucked in.
too much of an old romantic
too paranoid when something gets good
too confused for words
can't wait to get back to uni and get over everything that had me screwed up last term.
the end